A really hard morning

The alarm sound is birds singing which is a lovely thing but in the background there is another noise that’s got my nerves whirring. Before I am properly awake W is up and heading to T’s room who is sobbing. It’s Monday morning and apparently no one is up for it.

Out the window the full moon is sharing her light I go and bundle up B and settle them on the sofa with a blanket and puppy dog pals. I am feeling good making coffee and breakfast, packed lunches and taking thousands of photos of the moon and the sunrise (though my phone can’t capture either). When another noise rattles me ‘no nursery, mama please can I stay here’. It’s 7:30 and the cry’s and the please continue for 1 hour. An hour of cuddles, of attempted reasoning ‘you love nursery’, ‘all of your friends will be so happy to see you’. Distraction ‘help me make the packed lunch’, ‘can you see the birdy’. And lastly defeat ‘you have to go to nursery, I have to go to work so let’s just think of all the good things and get on with it’. At one point all three of us are crying, though I am in the kitchen so they don’t know.

Then we get stuck in traffic, the screams of ‘please can I stay at home’ slowly echoing down the dual carriageway and then when she recognises we’re nearly there a ‘noooooooo’ which would be fitting for the apocalypse. I prise her tiny hands from around my neck as she tries to grip with me thrust her in to someone else’s arms and walk away. I can’t speak or I will cry, I can’t look at the other parents for fear of judgement or pity. Me and T get in to the car I make sure he’s ok, he is, we chat about anything but the last hour. I drop him off late but he’s ok.

As soon as I get in the house my sobs echo around the place I am now the one making big gulpy messy snotty crying noises. I am shaken by an hour of nerve trembling sadness but I have a Teams meeting. Although my children need me to raise them, my body needs to cry, the beautiful day outside needs to be enjoyed I am bound to my laptop for the next 8 hours. I always have a Teams meeting.

I hope that we are the in between generation. Thousands of years ago we would have raised our children together never trying to prise them away but living was hard. Then as surviving became easier we prised them away ourselves new born babies in to plastic boxes, children to be separate from adults. I hope we are a transition realising the wonder of our children and having them close with the ability to enjoy that time.

Thats my hope for the long term. For the short term I hope B is smiling with her friends and I am going to take some deep breaths, feed the chickens and see if I can blur my red eyes for the next meeting.